


Onions have layers

by Toxic_speaker



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Inspired by Shrek (Movies), M/M, Noirham - Freeform, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018) Spoilers, hamnoir - Freeform, i cant believe ive done this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 07:40:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17504423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toxic_speaker/pseuds/Toxic_speaker
Summary: Once upon a time in a faraway land of cartoon animals, there was a kingdom called Swinelandia, the king and queen celebrated the birth of their son, a beautiful baby boy named Hammond. However, unbeknownst to them, a witch had cursed the young prince. While he would remain a pig during the day he transformed into a human at night. His parents in fear consulted the help of a fairy godmother who advised them to keep him locked in a tower until the day that he'd be rescued by a heroine who would become his queen, and only when he had true loves kiss could he break the spell and become a pig permanently at least that's how the story goes...(or Hamnoir Shrek based AU)





	Onions have layers

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, credits for the Shrek AU idea go to Tumblr user Believeinthecheese

 

A cartoon dog looked down on a restrained gingerbread mouse on a table.

  
“Where are they!”

  
“I'll never tell you, you monster!”

  
“I’m no monster! You're the one who won't tell me the location of the mythical creatures, ruining my perfect world…. I've tried to be patient but I guess I really don't have much of a choice” she put her paw on the animal cookie.

  
“please, not the gumdrop buttons!”

“Then are you willing to talk?”

  
“Yes! I'll do anything”

 

“Alright, you were saying,”

  
“..Do you know...the muffin man?”

  
“The muffin man?” Her ears perked “yes I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury lane..”

  
“Well she’s married to the muffin man”

  
‘The muffin man?”

“THE MUFFIN MAN!”

  
“The muffin man!” Her ears perked once again “.. she’s married to the muffin man”

  
Suddenly the interrogation was interrupted by other cartoon animals who opened the door

  
“Your liege we found it”

  
She turned her head wagging her tail “well what are waiting for bring it in!”

 

  
She hopped off to see the mirror, with a mask of a panther, appeared in it.

  
She took one step closer smiling malevolently, “magic mirror.”

  
“Don't tell her anything!” The gingerbread mouse squeaked. 

  
In annoyance, she signals her paw and he was thrown away in the trash, her attention then returned to the mirror in front of her.

  
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, tell me is this not the greatest kingdom of them all”

  
“Well, technically it's not a kingdom” the mirror responded, “there would have to be a monarch ruling and you are not a queen”.

  
Not what she wanted to hear she looked at her henchman as he broke a hand mirror and looked back

  
“You were saying?”

  
“I mean you're not a queen.. not yet first you’ll have to marry a prince”

  
“go on” she responded

  
“Uh so just sit back and relax as I present our list of eligible bachelors!  
Alright! Get ready, here we go!"

"First off, Bachelor number one! Is a dreamy little antelope who’s hobbies consist of being a personal maid to his abusive step-brothers and singing of his own delusions, not only can he sweep the floor he's also guaranteed to sweep you off your feet, give it up for Cinderbeau!”

  
there were a few cheers in the back.

  
“Up next eligible bachelor number two is prince Bob, a very cool laid back cat, who doesn't care much about the worries in life, in fact.. it seems like he doesn't seem to care much about anything, uh well he lived with seven other animals who liked to dress as elves, and they were roommates…”

  
**“** _Oh my god they were roommates_ **”** an animal from Farcaines entourage gasped.

  
The mirror continued “actually I think, or hmm?? Uh missing some data here so I'll just skip around, aha! he is currently sleeping eternally in a forest only to be awakened by a true love's kiss, he also left a note there that says, ‘please do not disturb I'm having a great time’, well how about that? These boys just love playing hard to get amirite? Hmm, actually Something tells me he probably doesn't want to be disturbed so we should probably just let him be..

however just received intel saying that he has a brother, his name is Prince Charming this dark silver furred cat lives up to his name in the sense that he is graceful and charismatic as hell and as many have frequently reported ‘the way that he talks will charm off your asses’, so for bachelor number two we’ve got Prince. Charming!”

  
hmm, not a fan of cats per se but maybe, Farcaine thought. 

  
“Last but not least The third contender is a well spoken, and lovely prince who is sure to brighten your days, he has been locked up in a tower, guarded by a fire breathing dragon since he was eleven but that doesn't mean that he doesn't mean business, locked in with a ton of books on law and politics he's sure to be a useful asset to your kingdom and although he is a pig he’ll be sure to blow you away, give it up for Prince Hammond!

  
“So who will it be? Bachelor number one? Bachelor Number two? or bachelor number three? The choice is yours.”

  
Farcaine thought of the different options and then looked at her entourage shouting in the back.

 

“ oh pick the first one!”

  
“The one that reads books”

  
“No pick two, Charming is cute!”

  
“Well I thought Bob was kind of neat”

  
“The third my liege” chose the third” a sheep said behind her doing a peace sign.

  
“That's it!” I chose Prince Hammond” She replied to the mirror

  
“Lady Farcaine, You’ve chosen bachelor number three! Prince Hammond!”. *careless whisper starts playing in the background

  
“He’s perfect”, she gazed at his image “now I just have to find someone to go fetch him for me”

  
“Uh also I should probably mention about what happens at night, it's kind of importan-”

  
“I'll do it!”

  
“You see after sunset-“

  
“Quiet! I’ve made up mind, I will marry him and become queen, and he will rule by my side

  
Alright, Nigel! Assemble our finest warriors we will have a tournament!” She left the room.

  
The mirror just stood there signing.

 

* * *

 

  
This was only mildly annoying, he's dealt with worse things still he couldn’t help but be slightly bothered, what a spoiled prince, sheltered as hell. Noir thought to himself. Well, at least he was easy to carry.

  
“Let me go you human!”

  
“Sorry can't do that Prince Charming like I said I'm a delivery boy”

“Are you insulting me? that's not my name”, he retorted

  
“It's called a joke have you ever heard of one” Noir responded nonchalantly, the small pig just made a strange face in response.

  
And just like that Peni burst into giggles, which seemed to make the pig prince uncomfortable

  
“so what are you supposed to be again and why do you look like that?"

  
She rolled her eyes ”I'm a unicorn and that's right unlike all the other animals I can't walk on two feet, I'm aware”

  
Hmph “he responded, just my luck, I've been waiting 13 years in a tower for my heroine to come and rescue me and what happens, they send a human and this weirdo of a horse, honestly I think I’d just be safer walking there by myself” he pouted.

  
Noir looked at the pig “ like I said before I'm not planning on eating you, and trust me you wouldn't make it through the forest by yourself”

“well, I guess I really don't have a choice, not sure how anyone would trust a human out of any other being to bring me to safety”, 

“just because I'm a human doesn't mean I eat animals…” Noir said slightly irritated.

  
“yeah I'm sure that's what you told your employer” they continued to walk.

 

 

 

ham was just sitting on Noirs shoulder at this point.

“So then I told the guy to not mess with me and I used this horn here to make him back off”.

  
“wow and that worked? Ham inquired curiously

“‘yep the dude never bothered me again”

  
“Ha! that's- ..quite intriguing,” he said quickly changing his tone of voice,

  
Noir looked over to Peni, like what is up with this guy? she just slightly moved her back in a shrugging motion.

 

“so I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, up there,” Noir spoke,

  
“well it isn't all that bad, I suppose speaking of we are to be arriving soon, I presume?”

  
“that's right, we should be arriving in about two to three days, faster if we travel without making any stops”

  
Ham looked at the sinking sun, and back at Noir “really? “ he said slightly off edge "it'll take that long?"

  
“I wouldn't call it that lon-”

  
“We need to make shelter,” Ham interfered quickly cutting him off.

  
“ excuse me?” noir asked,

  
“ we need to set up camp, that’s what I said” ham responded looking nervous

  
“Is there really a need to?” Peni quipped.

  
“Well, of course, there is, uh, there's danger in the woods or robbers, who knows when we can’t see them, they might pop out of a bush and attack us! and I don't want to go to no secondary location”

  
“Secondary location”? Peni asked.

  
“I don't want to die” he responded flatly.

  
“Oh”

  
“I thought you said earlier that you would be ok traveling alone?" Noir smirked "also if your worried about what's in there don't be, I'm the scariest thing you could find in these woods also I grew up living in the forest so I know my way around wildlife, we'll be fine” Noir answered.

  
frustrated ham squirmed out of position and jumped down.

  
“we have to get shelter now! 

  
Slightly thrown a back they caved in

 

“Well I, guess taking a break wouldn't hurt, oh we could set up a campfire!” Peni responded

  
“well...sure why not” Noir added. He started rubbing his forehead, this is fine, just bring this prince to safety and you’ll have your cottage back.

  
“Ok then, well luckily we came prepared for this situation, we got you a tent, just for this occasion” Noir pulled out a small fancy looking tent out of his backpack and started to put it together.

  
Ham looked at the small little tent being pulled out and grimaced.

  
“Uh actually you know what, not a big fan of the tent”

  
“Why not?” Peni inquired "is silky blue, not your color?” She said looking back at the tent.

  
“No-that's well-actually yeah, In my culture, its considered bad luck and also I would prefer to sleep in a more- spacious location”

  
“You've lived in a room in a tower for a long time I wouldn't expect you to be claustrophobic”

  
“Yeah, and the room was spacious enough for me but like I said silky blue is a bad luck color!”

  
“Ok fine you don't like the tent, but we didn’t really bring anything else”

  
Ham looked at his surroundings and at the sinking sun, it was getting darker. Shit.

  
Then he spotted something “Aha! Uh well it appears I have spotted some rocks” he started quickly walking towards them

  
Noir and Peni just glanced at each other and the Prince.

  
“So I’m just going to place these, over, here”

he then went to a tree and yanked a loose piece of bark and put it in front to try to make a door like structure and he just slipped in and closed himself in the DIY rock home, it was a little daunting to look at, guess he really liked his space.

  
“Well do you need anything else?” Peni asked

  
“No I’m fine actually, just don’t disturb me, I like my privacy, so uh Goodnight!”

  
“Are you sure you’ll be comfo-“

  
“I SAID, GOODNIGHT!

  
Ok, guess they would have to camp out then.

**Author's Note:**

> When I said I wrote a fanfic, I meant I wrote a bunch of different scenes/segments, but since I’m actually gonna take this fic more seriously, I’m gonna add other scenes and develop what I have written more, that being said stay tuned for more of my questionable writing! also if you wanna comment that would be great I really dig validation.


End file.
